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Turning up

It's been a while, more than a while to be truthfull. I have been ghosting sometimes here on my old site and tumblr,
reminiscing about old stuff and my old self. But I have never been truly away.

Yes, I'm aware of major thing that have been happening in JE fandom. Who left and why and that Johhny-san died. I think that was my turning point actually. Well my first step atleast. Something else major and huge happened. Arashi i made several announcements, notably that they had set up accounts on all major social media platforms (Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Weibo and TikTok), and all 65 of their singles would become available to stream later the same day at Spotify, making their music officially available outside of Asia for the first time. And that was the thing that brought me back here finally!

I'm both excited and scared. Excited because for the first time JE is opening up to the world and realising they have more fans outside of Japan. Scared because we don't know how this will affect the outside fandom. Negative effects on my opinion migh include banning and punishing all the communities who fan subtitle stuff. They will find us sooner or later, mark my words.It's good that we are getting official videos but they still don't have subtitles that most of us needs. Hope they will learn from Kpop groups and one day I will be able to watch VS Arashi episode straight from Youtube with subtitles.

But right now I'm mostly happy that I get to enjoy them again. Life has put little space between us but I feel like maybe we should get closer again. I will try my best to search and binge watch all the stuff I missed. Mostly stuff later than 2015 when I watched my last PV.
Looking forward to see and enjoy them while it lasts. I know they will be on hiatus soon, but I'm still glad I'm here still alive to see this happen.

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I hate the B-word

So here I am again.
Typing text on my worn-out computer.
Outside there another rainy day. I guess summer never changes in here.

Today I'm turning 23.
Not the thing, I'm most proud of, but I guess it doesen't matter anyway.
Why should I care?
It wasn't my choice to be born anyway.

I have never been much of a party animal.
I use to hate birthdays, christmas, easter, thanksgiving etc.
Every freaking reason to het family together to celebrate.
I hated expecially the days when I was the star of the day.
Graduation should be happy thing, not the worst nightmare.
Well I still hate these days, and today is not expception.

Well not at the age of 23, what have I achieved so far.
Looking back I see nothing worth mentioning.
Still single, still not living at her own, still at school.
So far not so good. I'm useless.
But I'm rather optimisctic about future.
I here by declare that my next birthday post will be full of positive words!

Until then, i continue to hate my own birthday.
Again I celebrate it with my family and friends.
On the inside, I just wish this day would be over soon.
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Possibility of happy endings

I have always been a dreamer. Let's call it a believer. Or a fool. That's what I am.
I believe that there is goodness in everyone as well as evil. I believe that everything happens for a reason. We don't know why something happens, not right now. But some day we will.
I believe in magic. Not kind of magic that happens in Happy Potter or so. I believe little things such as miracles or fated encounter. 
I believe in love at first sight. I dream about it. Just believing so gives me a courage to believe so. I believe in destiny.

And I believe in happy endings.

I have started to watch a show called "Once upon a time". It's perfect for a fantasy lover just like me. And I love for it 'cos there is fairy tale characters in real world that still manage to get through life as happily as in every book or story. It gives me hope to believe that fairy tales do exist in our world too. Just in different shape and form. We might know it but we all live in our own story book. 
My story..well it has less romance than it should but it's still pretty readable. I'm the writer of my own story so I can do what ever I want. Even a happy ending.

But until we get there, we all must go through a path, a plot and all it's little twists and turns and disappointments. Without story would be boring. Mine has just started. 

I believe that we all make our own happy endings. Just believing so is a very powerful thing. And I will hold on to that. Always

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What if..

Do you ever think about your life and realise that it could be fairly different if you had made different choice back then.
Maybe you wouldn't live in the same place you do now, met the same people that you hang out every day or maybe there would be whole different looking person right now readind my text.

What if..? I don't think that is a bad question to ask of ourselves. It puts the things in the right place, in right order, where they should be. Makes us value our present days. But also regret the past mistakes.

If we talk about myself, I only do have one regret. One mistake I wish, and I have, tried to correct. Rest of my mistakes only have made a better person, but this one I will always carry deep within myself.

But I'm tired of thinking "what if" and decided to take actions instead. So when I'm old, I think to myself:

"Hey atleast I tried!"

So we will see what comes next. Just wanna encourage you all to think what you wanna change and just do it! I did, and now the ball is on the other we will see..maybe..

5 members

Who am I ?

That's the question, we need to ask once or twice in our lifetime.
To me it feels like I have asked the same thing my whole life.
And I still havent found the right answer.

I registered myself in few dating sites, in hope of finally getting a boyfriend. Well I'm soon 22 and I still havent been in any relationships and frankly, I'm getting bored at this fact. And maybe angry to uncapable me. But even this little try to find eternal love failed miserably, like all my tries.
It all comes down to question above.

"Describe yourself to your possible match" What to tell exactly? That I'm independet,cat and peace loving person with addiction to Jpop idols? I'm well aware the fact I'm freak. My both sisters keep reminding me about that.
"No one is freak enough for you" or "He has that certain freak aura, go talk to him"

I wish it would be that easy for me to go talk to them. I have been shy all my life. If I knew the right words, I would been taken already. My friends say I need to be more spontanius. Just stop thinking and over analyze everything. Even the events that haven't been happened yet.
I know that but that's just who I am.

Or is it? Is it possibly to change the facts about ourself and just go with the wind?

I know myself, better than anyone. Still everyday people judge me, try to change me to fit to their patterns. Am I wrong kind of person? I know what I like and dislike. I know my past, and plan the future. I know how I feel inside and show it to outside. I know I'm a freak of nature. Shy,loving, peaceful, addicted, sometimes negative person,
who know what makes her world go around.

One thing that will never change about me, even if ever find someone, is my love for Japan and it's idols.
They rock my world and I love them. As crazy as it may sound, I'm sure that my undying love for them
is the reason I'm still sane and living my life in this planet. 
They make me smile, they make me cry but that's love, and I'n cool with it.

KAT-TUN celebrated they 6th year together not very long ago. Even as 5 person group, they have done their best of what ever they do. And that's what I wanna do too. Because that's called passion. Maybe that's what I' lacking but I make up for it for my hope of something better. Akanishi is doing his best too, in a world that does not tolerate choices, that they call mistakes. Somehow I understand him. I have come to realise that if you are stuck in a stage where you can't proceed, start over. Reboot and try again. Find your way in a impossible labyrinth called life. Make wrong turn, go back and choose again. As many time as you like. But don't you ever stop, keep going. And make yourself proud of what you did, will do and what you are doing right now. You are the one in charge of your own game. No matter who you are, maybe you don't know the answer either, maybe that's the prize at the end of labyrinth.
Who knows, maybe we don't really have to know.

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Life's ups and downs

I have noticed recently, that I write only when something major is happening. Usually my own life is so freaking boring that I get influenced of everything else. Somene said this about fangirls and I think is very true.

They are stronger than anyone else on the inside, because when they are loving these Japanese/Korean stars, they experience the setbacks they’ve never experienced in life. They are all sensitive children, easily touched to tears for a long time because of one incident.

Yeah, I would cry right now if my roommate wouldn't be here. Why is it that you start trusting someone again, that person, after a while, ends up stabbing you into back. Or something not so brutal. Mental image of that saying is nauseating. If you have read the current news, you might have noticed, what the hell I'm talking about.

Bakanishi, my greatest enemy and my greatest source of sadness and bad memories. I tried my hardest to respect him and I actually started to like him again. And here he goes again. Causing a major shock to everyone. One dead girl already and I understand here some way. I remember my own feelings when he..okay you know the story already. But the thing is that I get so emotional when something happens in JE world. Maybe that's the bad thing in me. I'm a freak, I have already accepted that fact and I'm living with that. But maybe it keeps me from doing certain things, like living. Jin has chosen his own path and goes on with it, no matter what others thinks. I'm maybe jealous of him. It has been said that we hate certain people 'cos we want to be that person and envy what he/she has. Interesting fact.

So Jin has done it again, news flash! But he is taking responsibility of that baby (if Meisa is really pregnant). Besides she is very pretty girl and I wanna see little bakanishi baby. He will be handsome. Yes I'm sure it will be boy. Or a pretty girl. Let is be boy okay! Oh what the hell, I dont even like kids and I dont want one for myself. Or maybe adopted one.

Anyway I just wanted to write couple my thought. I should run soon. I have first Tai Chi lesson. Super excited!
Ja na! And here is my finishing quote from the psychologists than in the start:

(fangirls)their hearts are purer than anyone else, they love courageously, they will want to try their best to tackle difficult obstacles

Keep on fighting sisters!!

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What do I remember of year 2011?

well well well, we have reached (almost) the end of another year on this planet. And what a wonderfull year it has been.

Well not really. I actually hate the fact, it's the end of this year. Another year gone, gone to waste, doing nothing special. That's what I feel each year, but still there so much to remember from this year if I look closely; both fangirl world and real world. Let me recap my year to you, to see it't wasn't that bad.

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Hisashiburi (久しぶり)

Long time no see!

Lot has happened since my last entry, both in JE world and my own.
I shall start writing again 'cos I have been having a lot of problems lately. Mainly caused by lack of fangirlism.
Who am I try fool? I need them in my life to keep my sanity at a proper level.
This weekend I dedicate my time to them as well as my own well being.

I started writing poems again. They never seem to change into positive ones.
On the outside I may seem a happy bubbly personality but inside I'm a big mess with lot of on-going issues with myself and people around me. I really should go see therapeutist one of these days. This may sound weird, but here me out.
All of my life I have wished I had psychic abilities, not knowing or maybe not realising I have these. I sense ghost, Yeah not in the way you think. I dont actually see them but I feel them around me. It has never bothered me, until now. It keeps me awakr at night. Well maybe proper version would be someone is keeping me awake. I'm tired and my lack of sleep is probaly one more reason for this writing process.

Anyway, I go watch scary movie soon, Haunting in Connecticut. I have heard it based on true strory (like they always have) but I'm super excited to see it. Maybe it will calm my nerves and a whoever spirit os bothering me to finally show up tell me what it wants.
Okay I go now but I will be back with my random chatting with myself so I can read this when I'm old and dying and remember how I use to be so awesome.